A little place to share the mayhem which is my life. Welcome to the madhouse, please enjoy your stay :D

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It has been two months…

….since I had my miscarriage.

It has been a hard 2 months. Many ups and downs and many, many tears. Four years we tried with no success and finally I just couldn’t take it anymore and said enough was enough and I was done with trying. I honestly thought I was broken and not able to get pregnant at all so imagine my surprise when I was late and took a test and those two little pink lines appeared saying “Yes, my dear you are indeed pregnant”

So many emotions and so many questions but I was so excited and terrified that something would happen. I was no longer 19 years old. So I did everything to keep my precious gift safe and healthy but it wasn’t enough. At the end of September and about 10 weeks pregnant I started spotting and it all went downhill from there.

Now it is two months later and while I am physically healed and back to normal my emotions are still in flux. I have my good days and my bad but I am trying to cope. I was in a really dark place the first few weeks after, hating everything and everyone. I was told this was to be expected and to not hold back feeling what I was feeling and not to let anyone make me feel guilty for having the feelings I would have. I needed to feel everything and not run from those feelings in order to heal. Most of my friends understood that it was just me really hurting and it was nothing personal.

I had been told all kinds of phrases such as “God only gives us what we can handle”, “things happen for a reason”, “you need to snap out of it and move on”, “Pain makes you stronger” but I didn’t want to hear any of that. All I wanted and needed was hugs and to be told it was going to be ok. I understand people were just trying to help but some of the things people said to me during those first few weeks just made me more upset.

No one knew how to act around me and I felt it. All I wanted to do was cry and lash out at the world and in the middle of all this a childhood friend of mine and his wife decided to lash out at me on facebook over a misunderstanding, a grammatical error, if you will. None of that matters anymore. Things were said and they chose to cut me off and while I do miss my friend I refuse to feel guilty for grieving. Grieving makes you do and say stupid things but sometimes those things need to be done to get through. I honestly don’t think trying to forget what you are feeling, hiding from those feelings and sticking your head in the sand and hope it all goes away because it will make the people around you feel more comfortable is the best thing. Real friends wouldn’t give up on someone just because they are in a bad place. Real friends understand that people make mistakes and are human.

So I lost my baby and a really good friend in the span of a month and a few days. The last few weeks, however; have been easier. I still feel down some days but not as much as before. I was actually almost feeling normal again, but this week would have been the week I would be finding out if I was having a boy or a girl. It is also the week of my birthday so it would have been a great birthday gift. Instead I get to hear what gender my friend is having (her and I were due the same week) on my birthday and I just found out this evening that my cousin and his wife is expecting. I am so happy for them and so appreciative of the fact he let me know himself instead of  hearing it from someone else. He didn’t treat me with kid gloves like other people around me have.

Am I a little sad hearing the news, of course I am. I don’t think any woman who has lost a much wanted baby wouldn’t be upset by that news. Doesn’t mean I am not happy for them but I am sad that I won’t get to feel my baby moving and growing and that first glimpse of he/she after they are born. 

I am lucky enough to have one child, whom I love will all my heart. He was so excited to be a big brother and it broke my heart to have to tell him that I lost the baby. He seemed pretty accepting of it. Children are amazing creatures and I am sure he will be fine. Of course after this I have become a little paranoid and worried something could happen to him too. I really need to stop thinking that way because it will drive me to the madhouse, literally. 

So what can I say after these last two months…. I am breathing a little easier, smiling again, and feeling a little hopeful, with the help of a handful of really great and patient friends.  I pray it lasts but I can only concentrate on day by day right now. I am sure I will still have up and down days. From all the ladies I have spoken to and doctors as well, it is normal and I need time to heal and get past this because no matter how small a loss is a loss, especially when that baby was as wanted as this one was.

Still not sure we will try again. I think it might be the end for me in regards to pregnancy and while it does make me sad that my family doesn’t feel fully complete, I do have one wonderful child who amazes me each and every day and well he is growing into quite the handsome young man. I always have grandchildren (in maybe 15-20 years maybe) to look forward to right *lol*

My goal is to get through this week. Get through my birthday and try to find peace. Christmas is coming soon and it will take all my energy to tackle that. Christmas doesn’t just happen. Would be helpful if we could borrow some of Santa’s Elves to help decorate and wrap gifts *lol*

Oh and before I forget. My apologies if my grammar is off. It is 1:30am here and I have had a long day today but I really felt the need to get this out. I have learned in my 30+ years not to keep things bottled up because it isn’t healthy. Some don’t like this approach but I say that is their problem not mine. I do what is best for me to keep my sanity and today I had a set back in my progress but I am not giving up.

Hugs from the madhouse




Friday, November 26, 2010

Feeling blah….

Ok so I know I haven’t been around for a while. Life happens…

This past weekend had been pretty busy for me. Had some shopping to do and it had to be done before my MIL came to pick us up for dinner to celebrate our son’s birthday on Saturday. So I was exhausted by the time I got home and fell into bed after wrapping the gifts I needed to wrap for the potluck on Sunday. I know it is pretty early to do Christmas stuff already but it was the only time all of us (my friends and I) could get together before the holidays.

We did a Secret Santa for the adults and one for the kids. Who knew finding a gift would be so hard. I don’t usually have to shop for young children as mine is almost a teenager and the boy my son got has specific likes. Who knew it would be so hard to find something dinosaur related that was age appropriate for a 2 year old and was under $20. We did manage to find an awesome felt dinosaur kit, which my friend’s son absolutely loved.

My son and I spent almost 3 hours Saturday at the mall looking for 2 gifts after spending 2 and a half hours watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt 1. He wanted to see it for his birthday gift. Then dinner at 6pm with my MIL made for a busy busy day.

Sunday we got picked up by my friend and her two boys. My son wedged himself in between the two carseats in the backseat and didn’t look very comfortable. I should have snapped a picture *lol* It was an hour drive out to our friends house who was hosting the potluck. There were 6 adults and 9 children running around the house causing havoc. It was a lot of fun though. We managed to get all the children wrangled together for turkey lunch and then gifts were opened and yummy desserts served.

I was very proud of my son for being very well behaved. Not that he isn’t normally but he does have a tendency to complain after so long but he didn’t make a complaint at all. He kept an eye on all the little kids making sure they weren’t getting into trouble and he wedged himself back in between the carseats on the way home without a complaint as well. :)

I haven’t been feeling well the last few days. I have been in a mood and so exhausted it isn’t funny. I have pretty much come home from work and passed out. Have been sleeping quite a lot so I just haven’t had a chance to come on and post. So my apologies.

I did want to share a pic of the ornaments I made for each of my friends. I love crafting and haven’t done it in a while so I got the bug. I usually make clay ornaments out of salt dough but I didn’t have the time or the materials I needed to do those so I went with something else instead. I think they turned out pretty well. I am proud of them. Hubby actually gave them a thumbs up and he usually hates my homemade stuff. *lol*


Well I think I am going to head to bed and see if I can get some sleep. I hope to feel better tomorrow. I have just been in such a funky mood lately. Can’t seem to shake it :(

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends. Hope your turkey was delicious. Hope you survive Black Friday and get some great deals. <3


Arawynn <3

Friday, November 19, 2010

Ahhhh the weekend is near….

Such a heavenly word…. Weekend.

I live for the weekend. Two days where I don’t have to get out of bed at the crack of dawn to drag my exhausted behind to a mind-numbing job. Don’t get me wrong I don’t hate my job but it can be quite repetitive. Such is the life of a manual labourer (hoping to break free of this soon though). I tend to find my mind wandering quite a lot while at work. Sometimes that can be a good thing because it can make the time pass faster, when I get into a fantastic daydream, but other times it can make the time seem much longer when I start to worry about life. 

My mind can be a scary place. I tend to over think a lot of things. I will start on a good thought and then it snowballs until I get to the worst possible scenario. Not pretty, especially when I can burst into tears and leave people around me wondering what the hell happened. I don’t like these days. Some are better than others of course. I am the youngest out of the people I work with so that also makes it hard. I have different views and thoughts to those that work with me. Makes it hard to talk to them sometimes but I try. That is all you can do sometimes, just try.

This will be a busy weekend for me. I have some shopping to do and some things to make. I have a potluck with my girlfriends on Sunday afternoon so I am really looking forward to that. At some point we also have to fit in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Our son wanted to see that with some friends for his birthday and we will be tagging along (sitting in a different part of the theatre of course) because I haven’t missed a movie yet.

I just hope that I have the energy to make it through the weekend. I have felt my energy level dropping lately. The last few months have been pretty mentally draining. Maybe I will share some of what has been going on soon here but right now I am trying to concentrate on the present. I know I have been missing a day here and there and I am sorry for this. I have actually come home a couple of nights this week and passed out from exhaustion and slept right on through. Like I said I have been through a lot these past few months and I think my body is trying to tell me something. I had been having a lot of trouble sleeping so I think my body has said “enough is enough” and is making me rest. It is just hard to do when there is so much to do. Such is life though.

Well I should sign off for now. Until next time, take care my lovelies.


Arawynn <3

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


How do I hate thee….

Sorry for missing Sunday and yesterday. Sunday I got distracted by World of Warcraft. Ended up being woken up yet again by the kid and the cat playing in my room. They let me sleep in a little longer than Saturday but not nearly enough in my opinion, but I digress.

So I decided to play around on World of Warcraft Sunday and ended up losing all track of time, such as been known to happen. I started playing after losing a bet with my husband 5 years ago. Ladies, never bet your husband to do anything when playing WOW is what he wants you to do. I hated WOW, loathed it even. Hated the time he spent playing it and ignoring me. He would make fun of my love for the Harry Potter series so I bet him to read all 7 books and I would “try” World of Warcraft. Honestly I didn’t think he would do it, or that I would like WOW so much. After 8 hours of playing on a trial account we went and bought my very own copy so I could have my own account and we could play together.

I consider World or Warcraft our marriage counselling because since I have started playing we don’t argue nearly as much and we have something to talk about. I play a Holy Pally. I know it won’t mean much to many of you but it is basically a healer. I love playing a healer. I am actually the healing officer in our Guild.

So I managed to lose track of all of Sunday playing. It had been a while and it was just so relaxing. Then of course I realized the time and had to post on a message board I frequent a photo progression of my son. His birthday was Monday and I knew I wouldn’t have time Monday to post. So I just didn’t get a chance to blog. My apologies.

Like I mentioned, Monday was my son’s birthday. We asked him what he wanted to do for dinner and of course he wants McDonald’s lol. We did a family thing on his birthday. We are waiting for the weekend to actually celebrate with a couple of his friends. Heading to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. Both my son and I really want to see this. We were disappointed with the last movie. Felt it had too much snogging and not enough fighting. They completely left out the epic battle at the end between the students and the Death Eaters. Sigh.

Now for the stress part. Yesterday before leaving work I discover a cold sore forming on my upper lip. Cold sores have plagued me since my childhood. Something I completely hate and they always seem to show up when I am sick or stressed out. Seeing as I am not feeling sick as a dog it must be a result of the stress I have been under the last 2 weeks. Huge fight with the wife of a childhood friend, which resulted in the end of a friendship, which I took really hard. Things at work getting to me and Christmas is coming and what isn’t stressful about that.

I have a potluck dinner on Sunday with my girlfriends and their children. Still haven’t bought gifts yet for my Secret Santa or my son’s. There never seems to be enough money for anything and of course now this shows up and I look like I have been punched in the face. My upper lip is so swollen, and of course I ran out of my Abreva this morning Argh. My son actually flinched this morning when he saw me. Great, now I have to go to work and explain when the questions start. I remember one year at Christmas it was so bad my mother actually asked me if my husband had hit me. Wonderful.

Eating and drinking is a pain but I am determined this will be gone in no time. Such an inconvenience though. Not sure if any of you are plagued with cold sores. I know several people that are and they aren’t liked my anyone. Hopefully the swelling goes down a bit tomorrow so I am not so scary to look at and it is almost gone by Sunday in case there are pictures. I picked up more lip stuff tonight at the pharmacy so cross your fingers for me.

I really need to find better relaxation exercises. lol

Well I am off to play some more World of Warcraft. Need to get caught up for the new expansion coming out in December. I wasn’t that excited about it at first but the closer the release date is and the more I see about it the more excited I am. So until tomorrow….


Arawynn <3


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Typical Saturday morning in the madhouse


Walking along hand in hand, blissfully happy. A hot summer day where the future lay ahead with so many possibilities. Finally words have been said that should have been said so long ago, but fear kept us silent. So many missed opportunities, so much time had passed but feelings still remain….

The wall is hard against my back but forgotten once those lips touched mine. So soft, eager and intense. Shock turns to desire as I return the kiss with equal intensity. My hands reach up and behind his neck to pull him closer, I feel my knees start to weaken and his arms move around my waist, the only thing keeping me standing at this point.. My legs no longer having the strength to support me. This was what I had always imagined it would be like, so long ago. Finally being realized. My mind starts to drift and think of other things….




“What the Hell”, I yell as I bolt up in bed.

“Sorry mom, Angelfeet kicked the flowerpot over when I went to get her out of the window”

"What are you doing in my room in the first place?”

Son takes off running with the cat in tow, who didn’t look very impressed from being removed from her perch in the window.

Ah yes, the typical Saturday morning in my madhouse. The cat tearing around the room and my son chasing after her. Her trying to use the window as an escape but he finds her and captures her. Why they insist on playing in my room when I am sleeping I will never know. I love my Saturday mornings. I can sleep in and enjoy my dreams just a little bit longer, except when the kid and the cat have other ideas.

I attempt to lie back down and escape back into my mind but hubby has decided it is time to watch Predator at full sound. So I drag myself out of bed to face the day. Kid and cat are hiding somewhere out of my sight. Probably scared I will punish for a broken flowerpot. While yes, I am upset because it was a pretty flowerpot but not something I will lose my temper over. What can I say I am trying something new. However it would have been nice for my son to pick up the pieces. *eyeroll*

Not sure what to do today. So much to accomplish. Like deciding what this blog will be about….off to do great things.


Arawynn <3

Embarking on a new journey…


I have had a personal blog for years but it was mostly for close friends and family to keep up to date with me and my son and the goings on in our life. But recently Microsoft has decided to shut down the Live Spaces I had been depending on for years. *sadface* So I took the opportunity to branch out and take the leap to something bigger. *happy face*

I am no word smith, so bare with me on this new journey of mine. I will do my best to entertain you. Looking forward to sharing my smiles, laughs and tears with you. My life truly can be a madhouse so the title seems fitting for me. 

There will be some changes going on while I am getting used to the new site and find my bearings. I am sure in no time I will be breezing through this. I am also looking forward to getting to know other bloggers and learning from those who go before me.

For now, I will say all feedback is welcome but nasty, hurtful comments will be removed and not tolerated in the least. The world doesn’t need any more negativity in it. I appreciate your help with keeping this place somewhat civilized. Thank you in advance.


Arawynn <3